Two Sisters and an Angel

We moved Sarah to her final resting place this weekend. She is in a beautiful cemetery. Every time we’ve gone there I feel a sense of calm and peacefulness. She’s buried under a beautiful tree and I’m looking forward to having a place to visit and spend time reflecting on life. It was the closure I needed, I think. I didn’t get to see Sarah after she died so I needed this final step to starting moving on.

 

This closure has made me think about all the types of movement, both literally and figuratively that have happened in the past couple of months. I stopped writing because I moved into a dark place for awhile. At the end of August, we found out that that Roben, Devyn, and their dad were moving to Cedar Falls. We were completely caught off guard and as a family, we really struggled with feeling as though we were dealing with another loss. I found myself in a place of darkness and anger and really struggled to get myself out of that. September was a really dark month for me. I don’t want to talk much about the events, but the kids are doing well. We get to see them every other weekend. Roben really likes his new school and has even joined the wrestling team. We went to his first meet on Thursday night and he pinned his opponents on both of his matches! It was so exciting to see, but sad to think about how excited Sarah would have been to see that.

Devyn has started a morning preschool program and will be starting a new daycare soon as well. The social interaction will be so good for her. She talks about her mom a lot and she misses her so much. My dad took her and Roben to ledges last weekend and they were doing a climb. My dad told Devyn that they were going up high and she responded “Will I get to see my mom?” You can tell she’s trying to understand what happened, but it’s so hard. I think she does realize that she isn’t coming back, but it’s hard to explain to her. At the cemetery, when asked if she was ready to go, she responded, “No. Not ever, ever, ever.” I truly believe she still has a connection to Sarah.

I miss the kids so much, but the positive side of this is that I’ve had a chance to truly grieve the loss of Sarah. The first two months of her death were nonstop and I really didn’t have time to just sit and reflect on her life. I’ve gotten to do that these last two months. I’ve had downward movement and now I feel like things are starting to move back up. I went through a period where I missed her so much I could hardly stand it. Before this, it was more about her kids and the uncertainty of their future, it was more about my parents and being so worried about them. I knew I needed some time for me to process her death.

Jill and I have been spending more alone time with our parents.  It’s one of those things that you wish wouldn’t have taken a death to make happen, but you’re grateful that it’s happening now. Before Sarah died, when we were with my parents, children were almost always around. Now, we’ve made an effort to spend time as just the four of us (I struggled to even type that…there are supposed to be five of us)  and I think it’s been good for us all. We are in the moment with each other and I think it’s the place we’re most comfortable right now. At the beginning of October, we made a day trip to Galena. It was the first time the four of us had a truly good day. I think we all had moments of genuine happiness.

We made it through our first Halloween last week. Sarah, Roben, and Devyn did trick or treat with us every year. It was so hard not having them there. But the weather was beautiful and the kids had a great time. Penelope was a trick or treating pro and I think she would have gone all night! She even told a stranger that she loved her and she was handed candy! Devyn had a great time trick or treating in Cedar Falls and brought home a good haul!

As the end of the year and the holiday season draw near, I am filled with so many different emotions. Jill’s baby will be born soon. I am so excited to be an aunt again and can’t wait to snuggle that baby all the time. But I know Jill is dealing with so much sadness that Sarah won’t be there to meet our new niece or nephew. One of Sarah’s favorite things was being an aunt and she was a pretty great one. But I know she’ll be there watching over Jill and her baby (and so wishing she could shower that baby with gifts!)  I think that beautiful little thing will be just what we all need to help us get through the holidays.

So yes, these past couple months have been filled with movement in all directions. It has been so hard, but I’m so grateful I have this family to move through life with. We laugh a lot, we cry sometimes, and there is so much love. I think about Sarah all the time. I still picture her with us and what she would be doing if she was here. I still get so overwhelmed with the realization that she’s gone. I would not say that I’m moving on (does one ever truly move on?), but I  feel like I’m starting to move forward. I sill have so much to keep moving for.

We’ve officially gotten through our first big “without Sarah” event when we spent the last week down at Table Rock Lake in Missouri. A few years ago we started taking a vacation in August with our whole family to Okoboji. This year, we decided to try a new lake, which turned out to be a good thing because I think it was a nice way to start creating new memories.

The trip went about how I expected it to. Our hearts were definitely not in it, but the kids were so excited to be there so that it helped us to have some fun too. We mentioned Sarah and the things she would have been doing and saying. She always packed double the amount of everybody else. She bought tons of stuff from the dollar store for the kids to enjoy on vacation. We would laugh because she undoubtedly would end up with the worst bedroom because it was just her and Devyn. She loved our vacations to the lake.

There were definitely times of sadness. When we would buy tickets for an event and realize that our family is now 14 instead of 15. When we were picking out bedrooms and realized we wouldn’t need one for Sarah. When we would be serving dinner and notice Devyn sitting without food and it was like a punch in the gut to think that her mom should be getting her plate of food. It just always felt like something was missing because there was. Sarah should have been there. I just can’t believe she will never again go on a family vacation with us.

People often ask how I am doing and I feel like I give the same response each time, “It just doesn’t seem real.” And I’ve started to wonder if it really ever seems real. I’m not sure the human brain can truly process the sheer gravity of never seeing somebody again for the rest of your life. It definitely hits me at times when I realize that I will never again see her in human form. And it’s at those times that I feel like I can’t breathe and it’s almost impossible to imagine forever without her. The rest of the time, I think survival mode kicks in and I just choose to not really think about. I don’t think it’s me being in denial, but it’s how I get through my days. The pain is indescribable when I think about the “Never Agains”.  Those moments are usually fleeting, but unpredictable. Almost as often I also see all the good things that are happening. Devyn and my girls have turned into great friends and are closer than ever. Penelope absolutely idolizes Roben and asks for “bubby” on a daily basis. I get to spend time with Roben and Devyn most days during the week and I love it so much. This family is strong. This family is close. This family will come through this together. But this family will miss Sarah every day for the rest of our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems that even through tragedy, kindness shines through. While this last month has been the hardest time of our lives, we’ve also had so many things to be thankful for. The outpouring of support we received in the days and weeks following Sarah’s death completely blew me away. I kept saying it over and over…”I don’t know how to express how thankful we are”. But that’s totally how it feels. The emotions that we felt from everybody’s thoughts, prayers, and acts of kindness are completely impossible to describe. I honestly believe we could not have gotten through those first two weeks without all that support.

Our small town of Polk City has completely rallied behind us. Travis and I were given two weeks worth of meals from individuals around town. Feeding 6 kids during that time was a nearly impossible task and it was such a relief to have dinner ready every night. I want you all to know that having that food helped us to be able to focus on what was most important in that time. We were able to have delicious dinners with our whole family. Neighbors delivered cards, gifts, and treats. Our dance studio welcomed Devyn at the 4th of July parade with open arms and gave her a couple hours of happiness and normalcy.  I am so proud to be from this wonderful town!

Our extended family held us up during the first week. My dad’s side lives in Colorado and my aunt and uncle came to Iowa the day after Sarah died. They organized the get together after the visitation by providing all the food. They helped us laugh and kept us distracted when we needed it most. We were so sad to see them all leave.

When we set up the GoFundMe page, we really didn’t know what to expect. We’d just had so many people ask where they could give financially for the kids so we thought it would be the easiest platform for giving. The generosity of people has blown us away. We will never be able to say thank you enough for the money that will help Roben and Devyn in the future.

My friends and coworkers have checked in with me with phone calls, text messages, and visits to the house. I know you are all worried about me and having people to talk to helps so much. It feels so good just to get a hug when I go to work and you are all understanding when I have random melt downs! Friends have come over and cleaned my house, folded my laundry, and brought me food. We went on a trip that had already been planned with some of our best friends. They made it the best week and we were able to truly escape and be in the moment with each other.  We couldn’t have had that experience with anyone else.

The funeral home we ended up choosing was a complete blessing. None of us had ever thought about funeral plans we are not an overly religious family. One of our good friends’ mom works at this funeral home so I called her for some guidance and we decided to have the service with them. They were such a delight to work with. The director was warm and to the point, which is exactly what we needed because we all struggled to make decisions. The church where the funeral was held had a pastor that we connected with the moment we met him. We all felt this connection and a sense of peace. We contacted the man who sang at Jill’s wedding because we all like him so much. He happened to be free for the funeral and learned two of the songs we requested in just a couple of days. We could not have asked for a better musician.  Everything about the visitation and funeral felt right and we felt closure and comfort in that moment.

I find myself falling into the depths of grief frequently. But before long, I remember all the good that has happened during this last month and it helps me get through the day. Please, know how grateful we are for all of your kindness. We love all of you so much. You’ve held us up when we couldn’t walk. You’ve let us cry. You’ve let us be angry. You’ve let us just be. You’ve reminded us that every little thing is gonna be alright.

Now, can this post replace the thank you cards that I fully intend on still writing?!

My mom always wanted three girls (so she says). We were each born 2 years and 2 months apart. We often got asked if we were triplets. Growing up, we were fondly called the “Grush Girls” and that name stuck. People in Boone knew exactly who the Grush Girls were. People at our dance studio identified us as “one of the Grush girls”. Sarah, Jill, and I were a unit. We were best friends as young children and spent all of our time together. Our neighborhood was close and we often met at our house to play fashion show or Kick the Can. The three of us had imaginations like no other, we even played Catholic church service! Our stuffed animals were our parishioners and Sarah usually played the organ while Jill and I led the service.

We took our senior pictures together and wore stylish matching outfits. I don’t think we realized it at the time, but we always had matching hairstyles (and they were horrible). Our senior years of dance were special and we performed our senior routines with one another.

People knew we were close, but it’s hard for me to explain how close we really are (were?). I’m going to speak in present tense when I describe our relationship. As sisters, we know exactly what’s happening in each other’s lives at all times. Even if we only tell one sister, the other sister will soon know the whole story. Jill and I talk every day and see each other about 5 times per week. I didn’t talk to Sarah every day, but we still rarely went a week without seeing each other. There’s just something about having two built in best friends.

So now, 1/3 of the Grush Girls was taken away in an instant. I literally feel like my identity has been ripped away from me. We were supposed to grow old together with our curly white hair and loud personalities. We used to look at my Grandma Joyce with her sisters and we would get a glimpse into our future. We were supposed to raise our kids together and form the next generation of best friends. We were supposed to take our yearly family vacation to the lake. Our tube has spots for 3 people. The three Grush Girls rode on that tube last year and it was possibly the funniest moment of our trip. Who will sit in that third spot now?

I mentioned yesterday being scared of how my parents will ever look at Jill and I the same again. The three of us were a package. I can’t imagine going from 3 children to 2. It has to be hard to see two girls who look so much like the daughter that died.

It doesn’t seem right to refer to Jill and I as the Grush Girls. It feels as though that name should be retired, like an athlete who had a lasting impression on their establishment. Who do we become now? I know that someday we will find how we fit in to this new way of life, but for now I can only mourn that we won’t be 3 sassy white haired ladies growing old together.

 

It’s been one month. One month ago was the worst night of our lives. Most of the days since are a blur, except for that night. Am I going to remember every single detail of that night for the rest of my life? I was driving to Fareway when my dad called. His voice was shaking as he choked out the words, “Sarah’s been in an accident and is being life flighted to Methodist.” I drove to pick up Jill and we headed to Des Moines. We were sitting at the stoplight of Oralabor and 2nd Avenue when my phone rang. It was my dad calling again. My heart still races today when my dad’s name pops up on my phone. I made Jill answer…I wish I wouldn’t have done that. I knew instantly that Sarah had died. I can still hear Jill’s gut wrenching cries. After that phone call, it took us over two hours to get to Boone. Looking back, I realize that God was definitely in control of keeping Jill and I safe because we were not thinking straight.  First we drove down to Methodist, thinking they would still bring Sarah there. I remember not wanting her to be alone. We found out she would be going straight to the medical examiner’s office and were told just to go to our parent’s house in Boone.

I remember pulling in their driveway and not wanting to go inside. I didn’t want to see my parents or Roben and Devyn. What was I going to say? How were they acting? What do any of us do now? It was a night full of tears and numbness. A night of Devyn asking about her mommy and none of us being able to find the words to tell her. A night of being scared to drive back to Polk City and get in an accident.

I feel like time started over when Sarah died. The timeline of events in my life are before and after her death. I’ve woken up every single day in this last month and my first thought is of Sarah. The last image I picture before I fall asleep is Sarah. My emotions are completely unpredictable. I mostly feel a void with very little emotion. I’m surprised at the amount of anger I feel each day. I’m angry at Sarah. I’m angry at people for getting back to “normal”. I’m angry at myself for not trying harder to help Sarah truly love herself. I also feel so scared. I’m scared about what’s going to happen with Roben and Devyn. I’m scared my parents won’t look at Jill and I the same ever again. I’m scared to lose somebody else I love.

How many more of these months will it be before I’m not spending most of my waking moments thinking about her? When will I figure out how to live this new life without Sarah?  For some reason, I’m feeling very pulled to start this blog. Maybe it’s because I  need to talk to people, but I don’t feel like going to sit in a room full of people dealing with the same thing. Maybe it’s to help somebody else who’s also struggling. Maybe it’s to give people a glimpse into what it’s like to deal with grief because I clearly had no clue until this happened. I guess time will tell what this blog becomes.